Women considered to be ‘emotionally intelligent’ – can express their feelings and read those of others – have better sex lives, recent research from the UK shows.

This makes sense doesn’t it? Smart women can read situations better, are more in touch with their feelings and are more likely to get what they want from their partner sexually. According to this recent research, emotionally intelligent women have twice as many orgasms. The results also show that 40% of women find it difficult to fully enjoy sex.

I spoke with Kim Gillespie recently about this. Kim and her business Secrets from The Boudoir specialize in female sexuality. Why does this continue to be such a complex area for many women? I asked Kim this and for any tips she felt would be helpful. Her thoughts are below.

1. Good sex does begin in the brain. It is as simple and as straight forward as that.

If, for example, you are holding in anger – it will be very difficult to get in the mood for sex.

In my experience, many women are holding in a lot of repressed anger and this inhibits their sexual pleasure.

Please ladies, if this is the case with you then go and see a psychologist who specializes in women’s issues. You owe it to yourself to get to the bottom of your anger and resentment. Try to communicate your feelings more and/or do other activities that have a calming effect on you such as meditation, yoga and relaxation exercises. The most important thing is to stop internalizing anger and pain. Your long-term sexual satisfaction really does depend on it.

2. Lubrication – many things can affect vaginal lubrication. Hormones or medications, for example, can impact. More importantly, a lack of stimulation has a dramatic impact on sexual pleasure. Women in general need at least 20- 30 minutes of foreplay to achieve orgasm and the average male needs only 3-5 minutes. It is not a failure on the woman’s part to need extra lubrication but you need to feel confident and comfortable enough to communicate this to your partner. If you feel dryness is a problem even with extended foreplay, then see your family doctor for advice and invest in a good quality natural lubricant (SYLK – can be bought from most chemists and supermarkets)

3. Attitude – if you want to feel sexy… you have to think sexy. Our sexuality is all about embracing ourselves as the wonderful, amazing women that we are. Who cares if we don’t have a perfect size 10 body? Most women have wrinkles and cellulite and a little extra padding. Ladies EMBRACE YOUR CURVES. Look at Beyonce and Jennifer Lopez – with curves that would be shunned by any modeling agency. They make no apology for their sexy, full, womanly figures. When you have a sparkle in your eyes, know who you are and where you are headed, you realize the only one holding the key to your own sexual pleasure and enjoyment is you.

4. Too tired for sex – of course you are tired. Modern lives are very hectic for women with kids, career, family and running a household. We all need to slow down and take time out for ourselves. We need to remember to live sensually as women and take the time out to enjoy sexual pleasure. Even if you feel tired initially, it is amazing how quickly you can get in the mood with the right partner. Make time for sexual pleasure.

5. Fantasize – did you know that the more we think about sex, the more we want it? Take time to read erotica ( try Mills and Boon – Blaze – very sexy, or for the really adventurous souls – visit my website to read Mistress Vixens Fantasies) and connect again with your sexual energy.

6. Foreplay – every man needs be taught that foreplay should last 24/7. It is not just love notes and a little ‘rub here and there.’ Foreplay is about doing the dishes or maybe running you a bath while he puts the kids to bed. We need to communicate this to our partners and insist we are feeling valued at all times of the day, not just when it comes to sex.

7. Get to know your own body – learn how your body responds to touch, discover what you like and dislike. If you don’t know what turns you on, then it will be difficult to tell your partner what pleasures you.

8. Embrace your sensuality – looking after your body is important. We need to cherish the temple in which we live! When you rub body lotion onto your skin, do you just slather it in or do you gently massage it into your skin? Take the time to think about how it feels on your skin – is it hot /cold? What does it smell like? How does your skin feel as you glide it over your curves?

Spoil yourself with sexy lingerie. Take notice of how your body moves when you are feeling more confident and sexy. Instead of dragging your body around, climb back in and really feel how amazing it is to be inside.

9. Try a new rule – instead of giving pleasure first, make sure you orgasm before he heads down his pathway to pleasure.

10. Get in touch with your body first, and speak up – it’s time to start feeling good about yourself and your sexuality.

This is only a small part of what I teach in my Goddess Guide to Essential Learning and Good Girls Guide to Naughty Sex Workshops.

So ladies, have confidence in yourself, learn what makes you feel good, and learn to show your partner what you enjoy. Believe you are truly desirable and you will be.

Who needs female Viagra!”